Showering Baby Pope

Sunday, February 21st was Emily's baby shower! We had all been planning for a while and were excited to shower this new baby boy with lots of love!
I will go ahead and say that I can not take credit for any of the decorations. Emily's friends Garilea and Stacey did all of that. I told them before we even got started that I am more of your "food person" than your decoration person! I'll bake the cakes all day long, but don't dare ask me to get crafty. Just the thought of it scares me to death!
But I am proud to say that these two ladies did a great job! And I made some scrumptious punch and white chocolate popcorn! haha!

It all looked wonderful!!
The Mommy to Be..

If only we had a name to call this new little one.... She's KILLIN me!! haha! I'm the type to need a name as soon as possible so that I can call the baby something other than The Baby. However I do understand that there are a lot of people out there that do not share my urgency in this matter. ha! If only everyone thought like me- the world would be a much nicer (and better run) place! But alas- it doesn't work that way. So no matter whether his name is Jameson, Garrett, or Morgan.... I will love him just the same. However- I might smile a little bigger if she picked Garrett..hint hint!
All of the hostesses.. Jana, Stacey, Garilea, Emily, me, and Rhonda.

I really wish I had done a better job taking pictures DURING the shower. But being a hostess, with two little girls running around and being needy, takes a lot of time. And not much time was left for pictures.
I did get a few of her opening presents..

And I got this one special picture of a little girl and one of her favorite people on this earth- her Mrs. Nikki.

It's dark and hard to see- but it melts my heart. The bond that these two share is amazing. Macie Claire loves her Mrs. Nikki. Heck- for the first 4 years of her life- she probably spent more time with Nikki than she did me. She adores her, and I am pretty sure that the feeling is mutual. Macie sat in this chair right beside her Nikki the whole time and never moved. She is usually glued to my side, no matter what or who is around.....unless it's her Mrs. Nikki. I love it!! I pray that she always has a special place in her heart for her Nikki.
It was a great shower for Emily and baby no name (haha- sorry- I couldn't resist!). They were showered with love from so many wonderful friends and family. This sweet baby boy is loved already, and we are all eagerly awaiting his arrival in April!!

February 18, 2016

I did it. I survived the day I had been dreading for about 365 days. February 18, 2016. One year. The anxiety leading up to this day was high. I was scared. How could I make it through this day without reliving every detail of the worst day of my life one year prior? I knew I didn't want to be at work. I didn't want to get caught off guard and get emotional in a situation I couldn't control. But other than that, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I thought about going shopping. I thought about calling a couple of different friends to spend the day with. And while all of those things sounded ok- they just weren't something I wanted to do or felt peace about. Then a couple of weeks ago, Dad asked me what my plans for the 18th were. I told him I didn't know, but I wanted it to be something that kept my mind occupied and brought joy. So he said he was talking off too and the two of us would spend the day together. And suddenly I felt more ok about things. I knew Josh was going to be out of town, and that added a lot of extra anxiety to how I was going to cope with that day. But suddenly, knowing I was spending the day with Dad made it all ok.
He asked me several times what I wanted to do that day. I couldn't come up with anything that just jumped out at me and said "Yes! THAT is what we need to do!" I gave things like lunch on a patio or a movie some thought, but those weren't it. And one day he mentioned "We could even just get in the truck and go take Mimi to lunch at SIDS." YES! That was it! Our favorite place to eat. Mom's favorite place to eat! Something out of the ordinary. Something out of TOWN and away from the normal every day things. That was just what I needed. I'm not always one to want to escape, but that is just what I needed to do on this day.... escape.
The night before, I couldn't turn my mind off. I laid in bed watching tv, listening to Brenna breathe next to me in bed, and doing that thing that gets me in trouble more times than not.... thinking. I relived that night 356 days ago. I tried not to, but I think that for myself- I had to. I had to get that part over with. I still don't know I didn't KNOW it was the end. My only answer is that God was protecting me. Would I have been better off that night if I had KNOWN that she would take her last breath at noon the next day? No. But as I laid in bed and re-read the facebook post I made on the 18th, I was reminded of the peace that I felt on that day.
"Heaven gained a new angel this morning. My hero got her winds and went home where she was blessed with a perfect body, free from pain. Thank you for all of the prayers for her and us over the last 3 years. She WON. Her fight is finished."
And then I saw that that post had 209 likes and 174 comments. 174! Holy cow. I went back and reread all of them. I'm not even sure I read them all the first time. If I did, I don't remember. But I read them in bed that night. And I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for all of the wonderful people that prayed with and for us during that time. It's amazing how you can feel so sad and blessed at the same time.
I finally got a little sleep, and got up early to go and meet my Daddy!
The girls wore their MeMawMom shirts in her honor to school.

Dad and I set off about 7:30am. I was amazed at the peace I felt. The anxiety that had been a part of me for so many weeks was not there. I was happy to be with my Daddy and headed to take our Mimi to lunch. Where did this peace come from? Prayers. I know that we were covered in so many prayers and that is the only way we were able to smile and enjoy our day and talk about not only that day a year ago, but also so many great memories of a wonderful lady.
No Daddy/Daughter date is complete without a selfie! (even if you are traveling 75 mph down the highway...safety second people, safety second)

Aunt Susan texted me and said "Did yall make it yet?" So I sent her a picture of our current location and said "I spy..."

Mimi's house!
The only thing better than getting to eat at SIDS?? A Mimi hug. It makes the world (or at least my world) better. Grandmothers are good at that. Both of mine can melt away the worries of the world with a big ole hug.
We talked for a few minutes and then headed off to eat!

When I thought about how the 18th would go, I never dreamed it would be this full of smiles. I was able to smile most of the day and have peace knowing we were spending our day in a way that would make Mom proud. I know she spent her day with Papaw, and we spent ours with Mimi. How much more perfect could it get?
Right after we ordered, I heard Dad say "Well lookie there!" and I turned to see Taron and Nolan walking in to eat with us!! What a wonderful surprise! They made my day. We all enjoyed great food and laughter as we sat there. The reality of the day would wash over me in waves, but it was made so much more bearable by these wonderful people! We had to take another picture as we were leaving since Taron and Nolan weren't in the first one!

Y'all- WINDY was an understatement for Oklahoma yesterday. Oh My Goodness it was WINDY! It was gusting between 40-50mph. You can tell by looking at my hair! And then of course, Taron decided she needed a picture of JUST HOW windy it was....

It was crazy!
After lunch we went back to Mimi's with Taron and Nolan for a while before they had to leave. We had a great time just chatting and "being". They had to leave about 2:30. After that, Dad, Mimi and I sat around and talked. It was one of those "good for the sole" kind of talks. Somehow the conversation wound around to Mimi telling us about the "vision" she had when she got really sick a couple of years ago and was in the hospital. I just sat and listened to her share every detail she remembered about seeing Papaw in Heaven. I've heard it all before, but each time I am just in awe. I am thankful for the story she is now able to tell. And I am thankful that she is here to tell it. We weren't sure if that was going to happen for a couple of days. But thankfully God wasn't done with her yet and knew we still needed her here. I am thankful that He knew I was going to need her this past year. (and still do) She has been a huge support for me. She has listened to me cry. Encouraged me when I needed it most. Supported me when I felt alone (and was being irrational). And most of all- loved me. I am thankful for the time I get to spend with this special lady and the memories we are making.

All too soon, it was time for us to head home. We loaded up the desk that Mimi had given me over a year ago (that I hadn't had a way to get home), and said our good byes. Which involved tears. Goodbyes with my precious family that I don't get to see often enough always involves tears. I'm 36, and it hasn't changed. So I doubt it ever will.
Dad and I then made the 4 hour drive back home. And as we were getting closer to home, I realized something.... we did it. We made it. I knew we would, but I had a feeling it was going to be rocky. It wasn't at all. Yes, there were moments where I felt the grief consume me. But in those moments I also felt my Mama pushing me and telling me that I was doing just what she would have wanted me to be doing that day. Enjoying myself and my family. That was her favorite thing to do. And I could feel her there with me, holding on to me, walking me through the day.
I was so grateful to get home to see my babies, though. I know they had a blast with their Aunt Emily and Wyatt, but I was ready to get my arms around them. I even told Brenna that I was going to "let" her sleep with me. Little did she know that it was more for ME than her.
It was a hard day- but a GOOD day.

Valentine's Day 2016

Valentine's isn't really an important holiday to me. I don't expect gifts from Josh or anything like that. (But I will use it as an excuse to go out to dinner just the two of us!) But when you have elementary age kiddos, Valentine's is a big deal.
Ours started with making boxes for their valentine's at school. Macie had to decorate hers at home, and Brenna was supposed to do hers at school. But after she saw Macie's, she insisted that she do part of hers at home. ha!
All I did was wrap them in red and hot glue the tall hearts for them. They did the rest! I wish I had a picture of Brenna's finished box. :( But she tore into it at school and never brought it back home.

They took them to school on Thursday. And that afternoon was Latte in the Library with Brenna's class. I am so glad I got to go. I don't always get to go and be at things with them, but I am thankful that occasionally it works out for me to be there! And I think she enjoyed having me there too!

When did she grow up?? Makes this mama sad some times.

She enjoyed showing me around her library and telling me which books she was allowed to check out.
Friday was their Valentine's parties. Since they were in the afternoon, I didn't get to go. But thankfully I have great friends that send me pictures of Macie's party. It looks like fun was had by all!!

Unfortunately I didn't get any pictures of Brenna's party. But she says they had a great time enjoying ice cream Sundae's!!
That evening on the way into volleyball practice, I saw this as I looked down the Kinder and 1st grade hall.....

I guess that's how you know it's been a good party day in an elementary school....large amounts of trash!!
As I said earlier, I do like to use Valentine's Day as an excuse to go out to eat sans kids- So Friday night, we did just that! Aunt Kim was all to willing to keep the munchkins....which concerns me a little. She is always a little TOO eager to keep them.. what does she do to them while we are gone?? Other than give them whatever their little hearts desire and spoil them ROTTEN! :)
I was thinking Boo Rays or Railhead for a dinner alone. Something good, yet simple. Josh had other ideas. So we ended up at the Fire Oak Grill in town. OMY- it was good!!! I started my dinner off with this little gem...

A Parker County Peach Tini. And it was so good! And it was followed by a prime filet. I wish I had taken a picture, but you'll have to take my word for it. It was UH-MAZING!
We went back and picked up Macie, because Brenna decided she NEEDED a sleepover at Aunt Kim's. :) And we all slept in till after 8 the next morning! Well- I don't think Macie did, but I gave her a serious lesson the night before on how to turn on the tv and to get a snack to tie her over until Daddy and I woke up the next morning! Parenting at it's finest, people. And I am pretty sure she had herself a string cheese and a juice box before we even woke up. Oh well- because did I mention we got to sleep until after 8am?!?!
On Saturday Maylee came over to play for the day while her Mama and Madison went to a soccer championship game. They had a great time! We went and watched Brenna play some great volleyball and ended the evening with pizza! Great day!!
On Sunday, which was Valentine's day, Josh had to work. But Brenna had asked if we could go to the cemetery and send balloons to MeMawMom. And Emily called about 2 weeks prior and said Wyatt wanted to go and give a valentine to MeMawMom just like he did last year. So we planned to go that afternoon.
I thought the girls looked precious as we headed to church.

The sun was in their eyes, so I didn't get a great picture, and Macie is in this awkward smile phase.... but you take what you can get!
Macie is also in this phase of not wanting to go to her Sunday School class, so she goes to church with me. I secretly kind of like having her sit next to me. And my heart just melted when I peeked at her during one of the prayers and she had her palms turned up and her hands open and her head bowed to pray, just like we do in church. Our pastor always says to not close your hands to God, but rather to open them up to allow him into your life. Macie Claire picks up on so much more than I give her credit for some times.
After church we picked up Aunt Emily and Wyatt and headed to eat at Nizza Pizza. I think we had the cutest Valentine dates in town.

But don't be fooled.... these three are far from sweet smiles all day long. This is mostly the side of them that we see...

After lunch we headed to pick up balloons. Brenna insisted that we needed flowers too since that is what we did last time. So I let each kiddo pick out a set of flowers. They really enjoyed picking their own balloon (even if we picked 10 different ones and they were out of every. single. one. that they liked.... so they all 3 ended up with red hearts. At least they THOUGHT they got to pick them out!)
When we got to the cemetery, we let each kiddo write on their balloon.

Poor Macie Claire, hers popped when she was signing her name. Luckily Aunt Emily was quick thinking and stuck her finger over it to cover the hole while I gave it some thought on how to cover it to keep some of the helium in it. Then I remembered taking a sticker tag off of the flowers, and voila! The hole was fixed, and we only lost about half of the helium.
They were so excited to be here...

I wish I could have said the same for myself. Cemeteries are not my thing. My Mama isn't there. Only her sick body with a stone to mark her body's final resting place is there on that hilltop. SHE is healed and happy and living with her Savior! So visiting the cemetery doesn't mean anything to me. It just makes the hurt come back and all I can feel is the pain I felt on February 21st of 2015 as I stood there and realized that nothing would ever be the same in my life again. And if I am being honest, I can do without reliving that feeling.
But to the girls, this is something THEY can do to remember and honor their MeMawMom, so this trip was all about them.
We released balloons first so that hopefully Macie's balloon would float.

Notice that big white strip on her balloon? Yep- that was the sticker from the flowers!
Next stop for these balloons.... MeMawMom in Heaven!

And with that, we watched the balloons float away.... Except for poor Macie's. After all we went through to salvage it, it floated right into a stinking TREE! UGH! I wanted to start crying for her!! But I convinced her that the wind would eventually blow her's out of the tree and send it up to MeMawMom. And that would only make hers more special since MeMawMom would get it all by itself! Luckily she didn't cry. I don't think I could have handled it if she had.
Next up was flowers! I let each kiddo put the flowers they picked into the pvc pipe VASE beside MeMawMom's stone!
Macie went first...

Then she instructed Wyatt on how to do it...

Brenna wanted to leave her flowers and a note she had written in front, but I told her to put the flowers in the vase and to tuck the note under the flower arrangement that Nina had gotten.

I saw the note she wrote the night before and snapped a picture of it. It totally made me smile and broke my heart at the same time.

It says "MeMawMom you are awesome. You are kind. You fill my day with all sunshine. You are my BFF. You are sweet. You are like candy with the best taste. I can't stand being away, but thinking of you will fill my day. Love, Brenna"
Y'all- MY HEART! She wrote more that morning, but I don't know what. I didn't get to read it again. That girl and her MeMawMom had a special bond.
By the time we were done, I was DONE. Ready to get out of there. So we headed home.
I spent the remainder of the evening watching a movie with Brenna. We got her "Troop Beverly Hills" for Valentine's day, and I MAY have made her wait to watch it until I could watch it with her. ha!

It was one of my favorite movies growing up. And I absolutely LOVE introducing the girls to some of my favorite childhood movies! So much fun!
All in all- it was a good Valentine's day. But I couldn't help but think back on Valentine's day last year. We spent it at Mom and Dad's. Josh bought ribeyes, wine, strawberries to dip, I curled up in bed with my Mama while the guys did the cooking. Nina hung out with us too. And the kids played outside. Mom was getting so weak. I don't remember noticing how much more frail she was looking, but I see it as I look back on pictures. Mom got up and tried to eat with us but just couldn't, and asked to go back to bed. Wyatt, Joey and Emily came by as we were about to take her back to bed and Wyatt gave her a valentine he made for her.

Man- that picture is hard to look at. But it does a lot for helping me remember why I am so thankful she isn't in pain anymore.
And later that night, Brenna shared her ice cream with her MeMawMom. Melted my heart. She even fed it to her. Bless it.

Oh how life changes in a year. We had no idea that day that we only had 4 more with her.......

Almost There

We are almost at the point I never thought we would make it to. The one year mark. One year. How is that possible? One day I think “Where did the year go?” and the next day it feels like “It’s ONLY been a year?” I can’t believe it’s almost been a year since I held her hand, put my cheek up next to hers (she had THE softest face of anyone I’ve ever known), snuggled up in bed next to her, breathed in her scent. Smells are funny things. There are things that I can smell that just bring me comfort. My Nina’s house, my Mimi’s house, my Mama’s house. Most people wouldn’t notice those scents, but I do. As soon as I walk into one of those 3 places, I take a deep breath and suddenly that familiar scent brings a peace over me. I have spent many hours standing in my Mama’s closet breathing in the smell that comforted me for 35 years. I know that one day, all too soon, that scent is going to fade. I actually stood in her closet one day crying because the smell wasn’t as noticeable as it used to be, and the reality that one day it would be completely gone hit me like a ton of bricks. But there are other scents that take me back and bring me that comfort feeling. A roast cooking in the oven (even though I don’t like roast), a perm being given (ha! If only I was kidding..), Tresemme hair spray, her cologne. She wasn’t a one cologne type person. Oh no, not my Mama! One was never enough of anything for her! But any one of the ones she wore consistently stir up that familiar feeling in me.
One year ago, I wondered how on earth I would ever survive an entire year without my Mama. Each day was a struggle thinking about all of the “firsts” that would be coming up. I knew that we WOULD make it, I just didn’t see how. I missed her so much. Many people told me that it would get easier with time. I didn’t understand that statement. I couldn’t comprehend the hurt that I felt in my heart and in the pit of my stomach ever getting better, unless there was some way to bring my Mama back. And a part of me didn’t want it to hurt less. In my mind, if it hurt less then I didn’t miss her anymore. And how could I possibly fathom not missing her?
I wrote about the FOG back in April on my blog. And as I go back and re-read that post, I realize just how far I (we) have come in a year. At the two month point, I still couldn’t think straight. I felt lost on a daily basis. For the first 6 or so months, the 18th of each month almost did me in. I didn’t plan for it to be hard. In fact, I had always heard people talk about a specific day of each month and how that day was so hard… and I always thought that was just strange. Until it happened to me. It would start that morning with flashbacks to the 18th of February. And every time I would look at the clock and see what time it was, I would think about what was going on at that time. I tried to not think about it- but that was easier said than done. Without being able to stop it, I would relive the events of that day. I think part of me may have been searching for answers. How did I not realize sooner that the end was SO near? I made a CaringBridge post the night before saying that our time was short. I had absolutely no idea how short. I still felt like we had a week or so. Even that morning, I didn’t realize that we were looking at HOURS instead of days. If I had known, I would have called my Daddy earlier. And he might have made it home in time. It took me several months to let go of that burden and realize that there was a reason. I don’t know what that reason was. I may never know this side of Heaven. But God’s plan is greater than ours, even when we don’t understand. I seriously don’t know how anyone copes with grief if they don’t have Faith.
As the months went on, we faced more “firsts” without Mom. Each one of them was hard, but I began to notice a change in myself. Yes, it still hurt. I was still sad. I still missed her. And some days I was overcome with a longing for the way life used to be- with her in it. But I was able to find a little bit of joy again. At first, I felt guilty when I found joy. I felt guilty for feeling happy. I don’t know why, but I did. Then one day I realized that she would WANT us to be happy! She would want all of us to be happy. It was OK to let life go on. She would want us to laugh and enjoy life. My Mama enjoyed life every chance she got. I had to really stop and make myself think about what Mom would want. She wouldn’t want us to stop living. And slowly but surely, the guilt I felt for finding joy again has faded. Now- does that mean that I don’t miss her? Absolutely not! That couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact, it seems like I miss her more now than I did in the beginning. But I had to do some serious searching within myself to finally realize that I can’t live the rest of my life longing for what I wish still was. I have to live my life enjoying what IS. And the harsh reality is that life IS going on. It’s not going on without my Mama, just without her physical body. She will always be a part of who I am, of who we all are as a family. She will always be my Mama, Nina’s oldest daughter, Kim’s sister, Dad’s Turtle, Josh’s “Mother In Law”, Brenna and Macie’s MeMawMom, and more. That will never change. Our love for her will never fade. And the piece of our hearts that she held still- and always will- belong to HER!
One day, I suddenly realized- things were different. I was having more good days than bad. Had it become easier? I don’t really think EASY is the word for it. I’m not any more happy about her being gone than I was the day she took her last breath on this earth. But it has become different. I have become better at facing each day without her. I am not ever going to get “over it”, but I am starting to…get used to it. I’m not even sure if that makes sense. I’m starting to learn how to live the new normal. It’s different. But different doesn’t always have to be bad. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, will ever change or reduce how much I love my Mama. This is the hand we were dealt. Do we like it? Of course not! Do we wish it was all back to the way it was? Absolutely. Does that change what IS? No.
I’m not sure if any of what I have written even makes sense. But my main point, amid all of my rambling, is that here we are…. Just days shy of one year later. And we are making it. Not every day is pretty. Some are just plain ugly. Grief creeps in when we least expect it. But those days are coming fewer and farther between. I have done things in the last year that I never thought I would be able to do. I have grown in ways I never knew I could. I still miss my beautiful Mama every single day. But I have learned to lean on the wonderful memories that she left me with. Those memories get me through the roughest of days. They make me smile and remember just how lucky I am to have had such an amazing Mama. She was and forever will be my hero. My advice to anyone traveling this road behind me? Only take one day at a time. Today is all you can do. Yesterday is done, and worrying about tomorrow only ruins today. You can’t spend the rest of your life wishing for what used to be. You won’t be able to accept it right away, but with time, you will. And finally- nothing is ever going to be the same again. Everything is going to be different. Slowly, you will learn how to live and navigate through the “new normal”. It’s a slow process. One year later, life doesn’t look anything like what I pictured it would a year ago. Yet, in many ways, it is better than I thought it could ever be again. I have learned that finding joy and happiness in life doesn’t mean figuring out how to move on without Mom. It means figuring out new ways to include her memory in everything that we do. Some days, just when I start to feel the “sad” creeping back in, a memory will put a smile on my face. It could be putting on one of her shirts that I remember her wearing, or telling the girls a story about their MeMawMom that makes them laugh, or Macie crawling up in my lap and saying “Will you do the MeMawMom thing?” (which means rubbing her eyebrow, forehead, and cheek very softly with my nails), or hearing a song come on the radio that Mom and I used to sing to in the car when I was growing up (and still remembering the “dance moves” she used to do, or the different parts each of us would sing to a duet). Those may seem like little things. But those little things bring big comfort. Those little things remind me how lucky I was to have her, to love her, and to be loved by her.
As the 18th of February approaches, there is a sense of anxiety. Mainly because it is the end of the “firsts”. A milestone I thought would never get here at times. But I also have a sense of peace. That’s something I didn’t think I would have at this point. I have watched all of my Caring Bridge posts on my TimeHop leading up to this day, and to be honest, it’s been hard. Last February was brutal. However, I am so grateful that I have these difficult posts and pictures to look back on. It reminds me how thankful I am that Mom isn’t hurting anymore. And it reminds me to focus on the good memories- the ones before cancer took over our lives. And it reminds me to remember that though her days of holding my hand here on earth are done, she will hold my heart forever.

Happy 9th Birthday Brenna Grace!

Brenna's actual birthday was the day after her party. Unfortunately, Josh had to work so it was just the girls and I.
As per our tradition, I made her a powdered donut cake with a candle.

Both girls think this is the coolest breakfast tradition. Seriously- I could make them a home cooked meal. But no- they want powdered donuts! Works for me.
Here are the "flashback" pictures I posted on facebook for her birthday.

We stayed home and took it easy that day and did some cleaning and playing with new birthday toys. I think we all needed the down time after celebrating Nina's birthday on Thursday night, Josh's birthday Friday night, Brenna's party Saturday night, and hanging out at Pops and Memaw's on Saturday night. We were beat!
That night, she requested to go to Chili's with Tia, so that is exactly what we did!
I love these three girls!!

Nina, Aunt Kim and I felt like we needed a selfie to prove that we were there too!

The highlight of the meal was the singing by the wait staff and the cake!

And then there was one...

They all three had such a great time. I love watching the bond between these girls. They have grown up together and still love each other so much.

This is a more accurate picture of these three crazies..

And with that, the birthday was over. I think our sweet girl had a great weekend. We are so blessed to get to be her parents.