The Fog

"The Fog". That's what Dad and I call it. It's that feeling that no thought you have is clear, and your brain just isn't functioning at regular strength. That's the way we have felt since probably a year or so before Mom passed. But while she was still here, I had a purpose. My job was to be there for her whenever possible. I was her "calendar" as Dad called me. I knew when every appointment was and scheduled who would take her, when they would pick her up, and made sure she was up in time to be ready and checked to make sure she made it home safely. I had PURPOSE, and my brain had something to focus on. Let me just jump in here and say that we could never ever thank the people that helped us by taking her to appointments!!!! I would name names, but I know I would forget someone. I'm blaming the FOG! Yall, you have no idea how much of a blessing you were to our family. You allowed us to work when we needed to so that we could be there for Mom when she really needed us. My heart still explodes when I think back on how so many of you rearranged your schedules to help her, and us.
Anyway- back to "the fog". Some days I truck through doing what needs to be done with no problems. I think about Mom on those days, as I do every day, but the thoughts put a smile on my face and I keep on trucking. Then on other days, for no apparent reason, this fog gets thicker and covers my brain and I can't hardly put a full thought together. It's like I can't think clearly, and can't remember anything I need to accomplish. (for those of you who have crossed my path on these days, I apologize!) It's the same fog that was present 24/7 those first few days and weeks after we lost Mom. I've given this fog a lot of thought, and I've come to a conclusion...... it is God's protection over me/us. The fog keeps me from feeling that deep hurt and pain that is ever present. The sadness is there. The hurt is there. But I am certain that without the "fog" it would hurt much worse and much deeper. Unfortunately with the fog, comes CRS syndrome. AKA- Can't remember STUFF. Man- I wish that part would go away. I would really think I was loosing it, but it seems that Dad, Kim, Nina and I all have this. So I guess it is something that we just have to learn to deal with. (And I hope that this post makes sense. Because if it doesn't- I'm blaming the fog!) 
Honestly, if you had asked me 2 months ago how I would be doing at 2 months out, I would have told you that I would think that I would be doing ok and able to control my emotions. HA! Boy would I have been wrong. The tears seem to sneak up at the craziest times. Don't get me wrong, my days aren't filled with sadness and tears. There is joy there. Sherry Johnson was my Mama and was a part of my life for 35 years, and for that I am so very thankful! There are two little girls in our lives that talk about their MeMawMom daily and bring smiles to our faces every single day. There are days when I can talk about my Mama all day and laugh and remember wonderful things and laugh at the memories that we have. I LOVE those days. Then there are the other days. On those days, the emotion is raw. The pain is real. And the tears are at the surface. Some times I think I've got everything under control. Then out of nowhere, I suddenly miss her so much.  How do I get through those days?? MEMORIES! And good friends! :) Pictures always bring back good memories. I love pictures. Pictures make me smile. Sometimes they make me cry, but it's a good cry. A thankful cry. Thankful that, even though 35 years wasn't enough, I HAD 35 YEARS! It's all in how you look at it! :)
I had 35 years full of moments like these...

(You're never too old to curl up in your Mama's lap!) 


And we have wonderful memories for Brenna and Macie like these...

And then there are moments we can all remember back on and laugh.....

Yep- I love that woman.
So, as we approach the 2 month mark, my prayer for all of us is that the fog will continue to lift and we will continue to have more good days than sad. That's what she would have wanted. Nobody enjoyed laughing more than my Mama, and I will make it my new purpose to keep that laughter alive!