I hate the C word.

I have hated the word Cancer for a long time. But 3 years ago today- I began to really despise it. 3 years ago today, I was at work, going about my business knowing that my Mom had had her biopsy a couple days ago and the results should be in within the next couple days. But when the bell rang, I checked facebook and saw a friend of Moms had posted a status saying he was praying for a friend that had gotten bad news. Instantly- I knew. I knew who he was talking about, and what he was talking about. Sure, it could have been about a million other things or people. But I just knew. So I called Mom, and she told me. It was cancer. I still remember the feeling I had. I will never forget how my stomach dropped into my toes. Not MY Mom. This happens to other people. Not us. But- here we were. It DID happen to us. If I could go back to that day, and know how it would turn out....I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't want to know that this disease was going to take her from me. From all of us. I was so scared that day. I remember falling apart and having to stop at a friends house to regain my composure before I picked up Brenna. She held me while I cried, and reassured me that it would be ok. I picked up both kids and drove straight to Mom's shop. I expected her to be upset and crying. But she wasn't. She grabbed ME and told ME that it was going to be ok. She was the one with a battle ahead of her, and she was comforting me. Because that's what my Mama did. And I looked at her and told her that YES it was going to be ok. That we would do this and we would win. I earned an invisible cheerleader outfit that day. Not intentionally. But God began to use me. My Mama had always been my biggest fan and biggest supporter in anything I did in my life. And without doing it consciously, that day I became her cheerleader. I never once let her think I felt hopeless. Nor did I tolerate that attitude from her. But in the bottom of my heart- I was scared. I didn't know what the future held. I had no idea that exactly 3 years later, I would have lived 3 months without her. 3 months without the person who I talked to on the phone numerous times a day. The person who I told everything to. The person who was proud of me. The person who knew me better than I know myself. I still find myself saying "how can she really be gone?" Every time the girls say something funny or I take a cute picture of them, I still open the text on my phone and want to send it to her. Then I have to think- who do I send this one to? I have several options- don't get me wrong. But I want to send it to HER. Then I find myself mad. Mad that she isn't here. Mad that she SHOULD me here. No, I'm not mad at her. I could never be mad at her. She fought so hard to stay here. I'm not mad at God. I'm not mad AT anyone. I'm just mad. I'm mad at CANCER. I absolutely despise the word. Some days I just want to scream-IT ISNT FAIR! I really wanted to scream it today when Macie asked if she could take a bath in MeMawMom's bathtub. I told her not today. So she said "oh. Can I take one in there when she comes back?" It was so hard to look at her and say "she isn't coming back baby girl. She's in heaven. When you go to heaven, you stay there forever." To which she replied "NO you don't. She is coming back."  Seriously- how do you answer that? I couldn't. I finally told her that we would talk about it later. I just couldn't do it right then. But it just goes to show that even when you think kids "get" it- they don't. Once again- it's not fair! 

I understand that in life we aren't promised fair. If we were, MeMawMom would be here to watch her two favorite little girls grow up. If life were fair, I wouldn't constantly be hearing of yet another friend being diagnosed with cancer. Just in the last week, we said good bye to our precious Laura Tyra who put up a great fight against the C word, Josh found out a good friend in the cabinet business has Cancer, and we found out that a precious friend that helped us so much in Mom's hospice care has breast cancer. Geez. When does it stop?? It's just not FAIR! 

But after I have my little crying pity parties that I need some days (like today), I pull myself together and remember that no matter what evils this world holds, there is something much greater waiting for all of us. We have the promise of eternal life. We have the promise of no pain, no sorrow, and even though it doesn't specifically say it in the Bible, we have the promise of no cancer! And my Mama is experiencing the wonders of Heaven. She is walking the streets of gold in glory land. She knows no sorrow. No pain...... I can only imagine. 

So- why did I spill that all? Truth is, I don't know. I just felt drawn to get it all out. Sometimes I just feel better after venting. And sometimes it's just nice to know I'm not alone. Maybe at some point I'm showing someone ELSE that they aren't alone in how they feel. Sometimes it's nice to know that the feelings and emotions I have are normal. Many times people walk up to me and say "how are you doing?"  I always smile and say "I'm doing ok!" And I wonder if they think I am heartless or that I don't care. But if I blurted out "I'm hurting" or "I'm really sad today" or "I friggin miss her!" people would probably have no idea what to say! And I would leave myself open for voulnerability that I can't handle. So, if you are one of the amazing people that asks how I'm doing, (which I appreciate- don't get me wrong!) and I smile and say I'm doing ok, just know that some days- I really am doing ok! I have my emotions in check and I am dealing pretty well. But other days, like today apparently, I'm struggling. I'm missing her. I'm mad at the situation. I'm mad that cancer took her from us too soon. I'm mad that too many other people I love and care about are fighting this beast as well. Days like today, I'm stuck in the "it's not fair" mentality. However, tomorrow is a new day! A fresh start. Another day to love my sweet angel girls, my awesome husband, my Daddy, and the rest of my family and friends. 

3 years ago today, life changed. I changed. Forever. I'm not gonna say it's all been bad change. I've grown so much in the last 3 years. I've grown as a friend, a Mommy, a wife, a daughter, and most of all as a Believer. Even though my mental stability has been questionable (ha!) my faith has not. I know who holds tomorrow. I know who holds my hand on the good days AND the bad. For that, I'm thankful. I am thankful for the promise of eternal life. For the promise that 3 months ago tomorrow, I didn't have to say "good bye" to my Mama. I just had to say "I'll see you when I get there!" Thank you Lord for that. And thank you for carrying me on the days when I was too weak to walk. Each day gets a little easier to face. We still miss her every single day, but we are all learning what this new normal looks like. We don't like the new normal, but we are accepting it. One day at a time. That's all we can do.