A step in the healing process

After Mom's graveside services in February, I had absolutely no desire to go back to the cemetery. I have never been big on visiting cemeteries. Just not my cup of tea. I think it is an older generation thing.... or maybe I am wrong. Maybe other people visit cemeteries. I don't know. But I do know that for me, my Mama isn't at that cemetery. Her body may be buried there, but SHE lives on. She lives in Heaven, and in my heart, and in my memories. I don't feel "closer" to someone when I am at a cemetery. I feel closer to her when I look at pictures, or think back on fun things we did together, or read her comments on old facebook posts. Those things bring me closer to her.
But back to the cemetery...
I had had no desire to visit since February 21st when we left after the service. We had all gone and picked out her headstone. That part didn't really affect me. It was hard- don't get me wrong. But I have a way of removing myself from a situation. I just do the task at hand and move on without really thinking about it. And that is how I picked out her stone. But the cemetery was a place I had no desire to go to.
When the stone was set, Josh went and was there for that. I kept saying I needed to go and see it, but kept putting it off. And finally, on Labor Day weekend Josh suggested we go, and I agreed.
Brenna initially decided she did NOT want to go. Tears were shed. I finally got her to tell me that she would be too sad and miss her MeMawMom too much. Well- cue tears from both of us at this point. So- she and I cried together and decided to go and get balloons to send to MeMawMom in heaven! That made things a little more fun.
We stopped at the Dollar Tree and got balloons and flowers and were on our way.

First thing Macie said as we drove off was "you should have gotten 2 balloons for each of us Mom! Papaw needs one too!" Melted my heart!! I convinced her that since we were sending 2 to MeMawMom, that I bet she'd share. 

I prayed for peace and courage all the way to Dennis. I even called in my prayer warriors. It must have worked, because I did much better than I anticipated. 

The girls loved that there were horses standing there when we drove up. This cemetery is in such a peaceful location. 

This sight melted me. Josh helped them put the flowers next to MeMawMom. I don't know how I got so lucky with this guy. He supports me in ways I don't even deserve. 

Since we had to move some flowers that Nina had put out, we relocated them to Peper, Manaw and Papaw (my other Papaw). I enjoyed talking to the girls about each of those people- who would loved these two to no end. 

The girls were excited to release their balloons up to heaven to MeMawMom. (And Papaw)

They watched them until we could no longer see any traces of balloon. They told MeMawMom hi and they loved her. 

This is where my courage took a nose dive. Pretty sure Josh saw it coming. He took the girls to the car and gave me some alone time. 

This would be where I lost it. I stood there for a minute and just walked away. Mom isn't there. She's sitting my Jesus. She's playing cards with Papaw. She's rocking and talking with Mamaw. She's drinking an endless supply of strawberries n creme frappuchinos! She won!! 

Does that my heart hurt less? No. But does it make the pain easier to bear? Yes. 

Josh met me at the back of the car so that I could have my "this isn't fair!" moment.  I cried. And then a little voice said "mommy? Are you ok?" To which I replied "I'm good baby girl." Because when a 5 and 8 year old love you, you are always good!