I did it. I survived the day I had been dreading for about 365 days. February 18, 2016. One year. The anxiety leading up to this day was high. I was scared. How could I make it through this day without reliving every detail of the worst day of my life one year prior? I knew I didn't want to be at work. I didn't want to get caught off guard and get emotional in a situation I couldn't control. But other than that, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I thought about going shopping. I thought about calling a couple of different friends to spend the day with. And while all of those things sounded ok- they just weren't something I wanted to do or felt peace about. Then a couple of weeks ago, Dad asked me what my plans for the 18th were. I told him I didn't know, but I wanted it to be something that kept my mind occupied and brought joy. So he said he was talking off too and the two of us would spend the day together. And suddenly I felt more ok about things. I knew Josh was going to be out of town, and that added a lot of extra anxiety to how I was going to cope with that day. But suddenly, knowing I was spending the day with Dad made it all ok.
He asked me several times what I wanted to do that day. I couldn't come up with anything that just jumped out at me and said "Yes! THAT is what we need to do!" I gave things like lunch on a patio or a movie some thought, but those weren't it. And one day he mentioned "We could even just get in the truck and go take Mimi to lunch at SIDS." YES! That was it! Our favorite place to eat. Mom's favorite place to eat! Something out of the ordinary. Something out of TOWN and away from the normal every day things. That was just what I needed. I'm not always one to want to escape, but that is just what I needed to do on this day.... escape.
The night before, I couldn't turn my mind off. I laid in bed watching tv, listening to Brenna breathe next to me in bed, and doing that thing that gets me in trouble more times than not.... thinking. I relived that night 356 days ago. I tried not to, but I think that for myself- I had to. I had to get that part over with. I still don't know I didn't KNOW it was the end. My only answer is that God was protecting me. Would I have been better off that night if I had KNOWN that she would take her last breath at noon the next day? No. But as I laid in bed and re-read the facebook post I made on the 18th, I was reminded of the peace that I felt on that day.
"Heaven gained a new angel this morning. My hero got her winds and went home where she was blessed with a perfect body, free from pain. Thank you for all of the prayers for her and us over the last 3 years. She WON. Her fight is finished."
And then I saw that that post had 209 likes and 174 comments. 174! Holy cow. I went back and reread all of them. I'm not even sure I read them all the first time. If I did, I don't remember. But I read them in bed that night. And I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for all of the wonderful people that prayed with and for us during that time. It's amazing how you can feel so sad and blessed at the same time.
I finally got a little sleep, and got up early to go and meet my Daddy!
The girls wore their MeMawMom shirts in her honor to school.
Dad and I set off about 7:30am. I was amazed at the peace I felt. The anxiety that had been a part of me for so many weeks was not there. I was happy to be with my Daddy and headed to take our Mimi to lunch. Where did this peace come from? Prayers. I know that we were covered in so many prayers and that is the only way we were able to smile and enjoy our day and talk about not only that day a year ago, but also so many great memories of a wonderful lady.
No Daddy/Daughter date is complete without a selfie! (even if you are traveling 75 mph down the highway...safety second people, safety second)
Aunt Susan texted me and said "Did yall make it yet?" So I sent her a picture of our current location and said "I spy..."
Mimi's house!
The only thing better than getting to eat at SIDS?? A Mimi hug. It makes the world (or at least my world) better. Grandmothers are good at that. Both of mine can melt away the worries of the world with a big ole hug.
We talked for a few minutes and then headed off to eat!
When I thought about how the 18th would go, I never dreamed it would be this full of smiles. I was able to smile most of the day and have peace knowing we were spending our day in a way that would make Mom proud. I know she spent her day with Papaw, and we spent ours with Mimi. How much more perfect could it get?
Right after we ordered, I heard Dad say "Well lookie there!" and I turned to see Taron and Nolan walking in to eat with us!! What a wonderful surprise! They made my day. We all enjoyed great food and laughter as we sat there. The reality of the day would wash over me in waves, but it was made so much more bearable by these wonderful people! We had to take another picture as we were leaving since Taron and Nolan weren't in the first one!
Y'all- WINDY was an understatement for Oklahoma yesterday. Oh My Goodness it was WINDY! It was gusting between 40-50mph. You can tell by looking at my hair! And then of course, Taron decided she needed a picture of JUST HOW windy it was....
It was crazy!
After lunch we went back to Mimi's with Taron and Nolan for a while before they had to leave. We had a great time just chatting and "being". They had to leave about 2:30. After that, Dad, Mimi and I sat around and talked. It was one of those "good for the sole" kind of talks. Somehow the conversation wound around to Mimi telling us about the "vision" she had when she got really sick a couple of years ago and was in the hospital. I just sat and listened to her share every detail she remembered about seeing Papaw in Heaven. I've heard it all before, but each time I am just in awe. I am thankful for the story she is now able to tell. And I am thankful that she is here to tell it. We weren't sure if that was going to happen for a couple of days. But thankfully God wasn't done with her yet and knew we still needed her here. I am thankful that He knew I was going to need her this past year. (and still do) She has been a huge support for me. She has listened to me cry. Encouraged me when I needed it most. Supported me when I felt alone (and was being irrational). And most of all- loved me. I am thankful for the time I get to spend with this special lady and the memories we are making.
All too soon, it was time for us to head home. We loaded up the desk that Mimi had given me over a year ago (that I hadn't had a way to get home), and said our good byes. Which involved tears. Goodbyes with my precious family that I don't get to see often enough always involves tears. I'm 36, and it hasn't changed. So I doubt it ever will.
Dad and I then made the 4 hour drive back home. And as we were getting closer to home, I realized something.... we did it. We made it. I knew we would, but I had a feeling it was going to be rocky. It wasn't at all. Yes, there were moments where I felt the grief consume me. But in those moments I also felt my Mama pushing me and telling me that I was doing just what she would have wanted me to be doing that day. Enjoying myself and my family. That was her favorite thing to do. And I could feel her there with me, holding on to me, walking me through the day.
I was so grateful to get home to see my babies, though. I know they had a blast with their Aunt Emily and Wyatt, but I was ready to get my arms around them. I even told Brenna that I was going to "let" her sleep with me. Little did she know that it was more for ME than her.
It was a hard day- but a GOOD day.
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