Valentine's Day 2016

Valentine's isn't really an important holiday to me. I don't expect gifts from Josh or anything like that. (But I will use it as an excuse to go out to dinner just the two of us!) But when you have elementary age kiddos, Valentine's is a big deal.
Ours started with making boxes for their valentine's at school. Macie had to decorate hers at home, and Brenna was supposed to do hers at school. But after she saw Macie's, she insisted that she do part of hers at home. ha!
All I did was wrap them in red and hot glue the tall hearts for them. They did the rest! I wish I had a picture of Brenna's finished box. :( But she tore into it at school and never brought it back home.

They took them to school on Thursday. And that afternoon was Latte in the Library with Brenna's class. I am so glad I got to go. I don't always get to go and be at things with them, but I am thankful that occasionally it works out for me to be there! And I think she enjoyed having me there too!

When did she grow up?? Makes this mama sad some times.

She enjoyed showing me around her library and telling me which books she was allowed to check out.
Friday was their Valentine's parties. Since they were in the afternoon, I didn't get to go. But thankfully I have great friends that send me pictures of Macie's party. It looks like fun was had by all!!

Unfortunately I didn't get any pictures of Brenna's party. But she says they had a great time enjoying ice cream Sundae's!!
That evening on the way into volleyball practice, I saw this as I looked down the Kinder and 1st grade hall.....

I guess that's how you know it's been a good party day in an elementary school....large amounts of trash!!
As I said earlier, I do like to use Valentine's Day as an excuse to go out to eat sans kids- So Friday night, we did just that! Aunt Kim was all to willing to keep the munchkins....which concerns me a little. She is always a little TOO eager to keep them.. what does she do to them while we are gone?? Other than give them whatever their little hearts desire and spoil them ROTTEN! :)
I was thinking Boo Rays or Railhead for a dinner alone. Something good, yet simple. Josh had other ideas. So we ended up at the Fire Oak Grill in town. OMY- it was good!!! I started my dinner off with this little gem...

A Parker County Peach Tini. And it was so good! And it was followed by a prime filet. I wish I had taken a picture, but you'll have to take my word for it. It was UH-MAZING!
We went back and picked up Macie, because Brenna decided she NEEDED a sleepover at Aunt Kim's. :) And we all slept in till after 8 the next morning! Well- I don't think Macie did, but I gave her a serious lesson the night before on how to turn on the tv and to get a snack to tie her over until Daddy and I woke up the next morning! Parenting at it's finest, people. And I am pretty sure she had herself a string cheese and a juice box before we even woke up. Oh well- because did I mention we got to sleep until after 8am?!?!
On Saturday Maylee came over to play for the day while her Mama and Madison went to a soccer championship game. They had a great time! We went and watched Brenna play some great volleyball and ended the evening with pizza! Great day!!
On Sunday, which was Valentine's day, Josh had to work. But Brenna had asked if we could go to the cemetery and send balloons to MeMawMom. And Emily called about 2 weeks prior and said Wyatt wanted to go and give a valentine to MeMawMom just like he did last year. So we planned to go that afternoon.
I thought the girls looked precious as we headed to church.

The sun was in their eyes, so I didn't get a great picture, and Macie is in this awkward smile phase.... but you take what you can get!
Macie is also in this phase of not wanting to go to her Sunday School class, so she goes to church with me. I secretly kind of like having her sit next to me. And my heart just melted when I peeked at her during one of the prayers and she had her palms turned up and her hands open and her head bowed to pray, just like we do in church. Our pastor always says to not close your hands to God, but rather to open them up to allow him into your life. Macie Claire picks up on so much more than I give her credit for some times.
After church we picked up Aunt Emily and Wyatt and headed to eat at Nizza Pizza. I think we had the cutest Valentine dates in town.

But don't be fooled.... these three are far from sweet smiles all day long. This is mostly the side of them that we see...

After lunch we headed to pick up balloons. Brenna insisted that we needed flowers too since that is what we did last time. So I let each kiddo pick out a set of flowers. They really enjoyed picking their own balloon (even if we picked 10 different ones and they were out of every. single. one. that they liked.... so they all 3 ended up with red hearts. At least they THOUGHT they got to pick them out!)
When we got to the cemetery, we let each kiddo write on their balloon.

Poor Macie Claire, hers popped when she was signing her name. Luckily Aunt Emily was quick thinking and stuck her finger over it to cover the hole while I gave it some thought on how to cover it to keep some of the helium in it. Then I remembered taking a sticker tag off of the flowers, and voila! The hole was fixed, and we only lost about half of the helium.
They were so excited to be here...

I wish I could have said the same for myself. Cemeteries are not my thing. My Mama isn't there. Only her sick body with a stone to mark her body's final resting place is there on that hilltop. SHE is healed and happy and living with her Savior! So visiting the cemetery doesn't mean anything to me. It just makes the hurt come back and all I can feel is the pain I felt on February 21st of 2015 as I stood there and realized that nothing would ever be the same in my life again. And if I am being honest, I can do without reliving that feeling.
But to the girls, this is something THEY can do to remember and honor their MeMawMom, so this trip was all about them.
We released balloons first so that hopefully Macie's balloon would float.

Notice that big white strip on her balloon? Yep- that was the sticker from the flowers!
Next stop for these balloons.... MeMawMom in Heaven!

And with that, we watched the balloons float away.... Except for poor Macie's. After all we went through to salvage it, it floated right into a stinking TREE! UGH! I wanted to start crying for her!! But I convinced her that the wind would eventually blow her's out of the tree and send it up to MeMawMom. And that would only make hers more special since MeMawMom would get it all by itself! Luckily she didn't cry. I don't think I could have handled it if she had.
Next up was flowers! I let each kiddo put the flowers they picked into the pvc pipe VASE beside MeMawMom's stone!
Macie went first...

Then she instructed Wyatt on how to do it...

Brenna wanted to leave her flowers and a note she had written in front, but I told her to put the flowers in the vase and to tuck the note under the flower arrangement that Nina had gotten.

I saw the note she wrote the night before and snapped a picture of it. It totally made me smile and broke my heart at the same time.

It says "MeMawMom you are awesome. You are kind. You fill my day with all sunshine. You are my BFF. You are sweet. You are like candy with the best taste. I can't stand being away, but thinking of you will fill my day. Love, Brenna"
Y'all- MY HEART! She wrote more that morning, but I don't know what. I didn't get to read it again. That girl and her MeMawMom had a special bond.
By the time we were done, I was DONE. Ready to get out of there. So we headed home.
I spent the remainder of the evening watching a movie with Brenna. We got her "Troop Beverly Hills" for Valentine's day, and I MAY have made her wait to watch it until I could watch it with her. ha!

It was one of my favorite movies growing up. And I absolutely LOVE introducing the girls to some of my favorite childhood movies! So much fun!
All in all- it was a good Valentine's day. But I couldn't help but think back on Valentine's day last year. We spent it at Mom and Dad's. Josh bought ribeyes, wine, strawberries to dip, I curled up in bed with my Mama while the guys did the cooking. Nina hung out with us too. And the kids played outside. Mom was getting so weak. I don't remember noticing how much more frail she was looking, but I see it as I look back on pictures. Mom got up and tried to eat with us but just couldn't, and asked to go back to bed. Wyatt, Joey and Emily came by as we were about to take her back to bed and Wyatt gave her a valentine he made for her.

Man- that picture is hard to look at. But it does a lot for helping me remember why I am so thankful she isn't in pain anymore.
And later that night, Brenna shared her ice cream with her MeMawMom. Melted my heart. She even fed it to her. Bless it.

Oh how life changes in a year. We had no idea that day that we only had 4 more with her.......

Almost There

We are almost at the point I never thought we would make it to. The one year mark. One year. How is that possible? One day I think “Where did the year go?” and the next day it feels like “It’s ONLY been a year?” I can’t believe it’s almost been a year since I held her hand, put my cheek up next to hers (she had THE softest face of anyone I’ve ever known), snuggled up in bed next to her, breathed in her scent. Smells are funny things. There are things that I can smell that just bring me comfort. My Nina’s house, my Mimi’s house, my Mama’s house. Most people wouldn’t notice those scents, but I do. As soon as I walk into one of those 3 places, I take a deep breath and suddenly that familiar scent brings a peace over me. I have spent many hours standing in my Mama’s closet breathing in the smell that comforted me for 35 years. I know that one day, all too soon, that scent is going to fade. I actually stood in her closet one day crying because the smell wasn’t as noticeable as it used to be, and the reality that one day it would be completely gone hit me like a ton of bricks. But there are other scents that take me back and bring me that comfort feeling. A roast cooking in the oven (even though I don’t like roast), a perm being given (ha! If only I was kidding..), Tresemme hair spray, her cologne. She wasn’t a one cologne type person. Oh no, not my Mama! One was never enough of anything for her! But any one of the ones she wore consistently stir up that familiar feeling in me.
One year ago, I wondered how on earth I would ever survive an entire year without my Mama. Each day was a struggle thinking about all of the “firsts” that would be coming up. I knew that we WOULD make it, I just didn’t see how. I missed her so much. Many people told me that it would get easier with time. I didn’t understand that statement. I couldn’t comprehend the hurt that I felt in my heart and in the pit of my stomach ever getting better, unless there was some way to bring my Mama back. And a part of me didn’t want it to hurt less. In my mind, if it hurt less then I didn’t miss her anymore. And how could I possibly fathom not missing her?
I wrote about the FOG back in April on my blog. And as I go back and re-read that post, I realize just how far I (we) have come in a year. At the two month point, I still couldn’t think straight. I felt lost on a daily basis. For the first 6 or so months, the 18th of each month almost did me in. I didn’t plan for it to be hard. In fact, I had always heard people talk about a specific day of each month and how that day was so hard… and I always thought that was just strange. Until it happened to me. It would start that morning with flashbacks to the 18th of February. And every time I would look at the clock and see what time it was, I would think about what was going on at that time. I tried to not think about it- but that was easier said than done. Without being able to stop it, I would relive the events of that day. I think part of me may have been searching for answers. How did I not realize sooner that the end was SO near? I made a CaringBridge post the night before saying that our time was short. I had absolutely no idea how short. I still felt like we had a week or so. Even that morning, I didn’t realize that we were looking at HOURS instead of days. If I had known, I would have called my Daddy earlier. And he might have made it home in time. It took me several months to let go of that burden and realize that there was a reason. I don’t know what that reason was. I may never know this side of Heaven. But God’s plan is greater than ours, even when we don’t understand. I seriously don’t know how anyone copes with grief if they don’t have Faith.
As the months went on, we faced more “firsts” without Mom. Each one of them was hard, but I began to notice a change in myself. Yes, it still hurt. I was still sad. I still missed her. And some days I was overcome with a longing for the way life used to be- with her in it. But I was able to find a little bit of joy again. At first, I felt guilty when I found joy. I felt guilty for feeling happy. I don’t know why, but I did. Then one day I realized that she would WANT us to be happy! She would want all of us to be happy. It was OK to let life go on. She would want us to laugh and enjoy life. My Mama enjoyed life every chance she got. I had to really stop and make myself think about what Mom would want. She wouldn’t want us to stop living. And slowly but surely, the guilt I felt for finding joy again has faded. Now- does that mean that I don’t miss her? Absolutely not! That couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact, it seems like I miss her more now than I did in the beginning. But I had to do some serious searching within myself to finally realize that I can’t live the rest of my life longing for what I wish still was. I have to live my life enjoying what IS. And the harsh reality is that life IS going on. It’s not going on without my Mama, just without her physical body. She will always be a part of who I am, of who we all are as a family. She will always be my Mama, Nina’s oldest daughter, Kim’s sister, Dad’s Turtle, Josh’s “Mother In Law”, Brenna and Macie’s MeMawMom, and more. That will never change. Our love for her will never fade. And the piece of our hearts that she held still- and always will- belong to HER!
One day, I suddenly realized- things were different. I was having more good days than bad. Had it become easier? I don’t really think EASY is the word for it. I’m not any more happy about her being gone than I was the day she took her last breath on this earth. But it has become different. I have become better at facing each day without her. I am not ever going to get “over it”, but I am starting to…get used to it. I’m not even sure if that makes sense. I’m starting to learn how to live the new normal. It’s different. But different doesn’t always have to be bad. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, will ever change or reduce how much I love my Mama. This is the hand we were dealt. Do we like it? Of course not! Do we wish it was all back to the way it was? Absolutely. Does that change what IS? No.
I’m not sure if any of what I have written even makes sense. But my main point, amid all of my rambling, is that here we are…. Just days shy of one year later. And we are making it. Not every day is pretty. Some are just plain ugly. Grief creeps in when we least expect it. But those days are coming fewer and farther between. I have done things in the last year that I never thought I would be able to do. I have grown in ways I never knew I could. I still miss my beautiful Mama every single day. But I have learned to lean on the wonderful memories that she left me with. Those memories get me through the roughest of days. They make me smile and remember just how lucky I am to have had such an amazing Mama. She was and forever will be my hero. My advice to anyone traveling this road behind me? Only take one day at a time. Today is all you can do. Yesterday is done, and worrying about tomorrow only ruins today. You can’t spend the rest of your life wishing for what used to be. You won’t be able to accept it right away, but with time, you will. And finally- nothing is ever going to be the same again. Everything is going to be different. Slowly, you will learn how to live and navigate through the “new normal”. It’s a slow process. One year later, life doesn’t look anything like what I pictured it would a year ago. Yet, in many ways, it is better than I thought it could ever be again. I have learned that finding joy and happiness in life doesn’t mean figuring out how to move on without Mom. It means figuring out new ways to include her memory in everything that we do. Some days, just when I start to feel the “sad” creeping back in, a memory will put a smile on my face. It could be putting on one of her shirts that I remember her wearing, or telling the girls a story about their MeMawMom that makes them laugh, or Macie crawling up in my lap and saying “Will you do the MeMawMom thing?” (which means rubbing her eyebrow, forehead, and cheek very softly with my nails), or hearing a song come on the radio that Mom and I used to sing to in the car when I was growing up (and still remembering the “dance moves” she used to do, or the different parts each of us would sing to a duet). Those may seem like little things. But those little things bring big comfort. Those little things remind me how lucky I was to have her, to love her, and to be loved by her.
As the 18th of February approaches, there is a sense of anxiety. Mainly because it is the end of the “firsts”. A milestone I thought would never get here at times. But I also have a sense of peace. That’s something I didn’t think I would have at this point. I have watched all of my Caring Bridge posts on my TimeHop leading up to this day, and to be honest, it’s been hard. Last February was brutal. However, I am so grateful that I have these difficult posts and pictures to look back on. It reminds me how thankful I am that Mom isn’t hurting anymore. And it reminds me to focus on the good memories- the ones before cancer took over our lives. And it reminds me to remember that though her days of holding my hand here on earth are done, she will hold my heart forever.

Happy 9th Birthday Brenna Grace!

Brenna's actual birthday was the day after her party. Unfortunately, Josh had to work so it was just the girls and I.
As per our tradition, I made her a powdered donut cake with a candle.

Both girls think this is the coolest breakfast tradition. Seriously- I could make them a home cooked meal. But no- they want powdered donuts! Works for me.
Here are the "flashback" pictures I posted on facebook for her birthday.

We stayed home and took it easy that day and did some cleaning and playing with new birthday toys. I think we all needed the down time after celebrating Nina's birthday on Thursday night, Josh's birthday Friday night, Brenna's party Saturday night, and hanging out at Pops and Memaw's on Saturday night. We were beat!
That night, she requested to go to Chili's with Tia, so that is exactly what we did!
I love these three girls!!

Nina, Aunt Kim and I felt like we needed a selfie to prove that we were there too!

The highlight of the meal was the singing by the wait staff and the cake!

And then there was one...

They all three had such a great time. I love watching the bond between these girls. They have grown up together and still love each other so much.

This is a more accurate picture of these three crazies..

And with that, the birthday was over. I think our sweet girl had a great weekend. We are so blessed to get to be her parents.

It's PARTY time! Let's skate!

9. My baby girl is 9. NINE! How on earth did that happen?? While I am sad that the years are going by so fast, I am so proud of the young lady she is becoming. She is sweet, caring, sensitive, strong willed, stubborn, and outgoing. She loves to cuddle, and I do my best to not ever take a moment of that for granted.
For her birthday this year, she wanted to have a skating party. I was totally on board with this since it meant that I didn't have to plan a party! All I had to do was get a cake. SCORE!
On the 23rd, we got up early and headed to the Granbury skating rink! We had the whole place to ourselves for a bit until everyone arrived. Josh, Brenna and Macie took full advantage!

I was so proud of all three of them! Brenna loves to skate and will do laps in the garage. Macie just got her first pair of skates for Christmas, and did really well! Josh is a skater from way back, yet hadn't been on skates in YEARS. He did great too! (not gonna lie- I was a bit nervous with him on skates. His accident record is a mile long, and if anyone is going to get hurt, I just knew it would be my husband. But he proved me wrong!)
My sweet girls!

They do love each other....sometimes!
Soon the guests started arriving and everyone was on skates! Some stayed upright, and some didn't! And some (including me) didn't even attempt it. I am mature enough to admit that I am not coordinated and should not try to put wheels on my feet and stay upright!
These sweet girls did a great job helping Maylee!

And Josh was a pro!

Brenna and sweet Landry

Miss Maylee had all kinds of help! That sweet girl can wrap anyone around her finger.

Schaef and Carter..

Yes my Wy-man that is exactly what it would look like if I was out there skating too buddy!

This girl is practically a pro! Her Daddy even gave her a few tips that helped her even more!

I am so thankful that she has so many wonderful friends!
Brenna and Kinley

While the brave people were skating, Memaw was trying to take a selfie for something she had to do for work. She was having trouble figuring it out, so I helped her a little..

Soon it was time for cake and presents!

Brenna requested a red velvet Nothing Bundt Cake again this year, so that's exactly what she got! I also baked some strawberry cupcakes for anyone that didn't like red velvet. Easiest birthday party I've ever thrown!

Pictured are:
Left side: Brenna, Kinley Evans, Maggie Buttler, Landry Middleton, Addison and Kayleigh Swearingin.
Right side: Maylee Baldwin, Macie Pool, Tia Thurman, Carter Riley, and Wyatt
They sang happy birthday while Brenna just smiled. (This girl loves attention. LOL!)

She got a ton of great presents!

Then it was time for a little more skating before we had to pack up and leave. They did the Hokey Pokey, the Macarena, and the Chicken Dance!

The best Daddy ever. It melts my heart to watch him with the girls. I hope that they one day realize how lucky they are to have him.

A horrible, but obligatory, family picture.

Oh Memaw- still working on perfecting that selfie!

These two still got it! (Even if one of them, who shall remain nameless, skated MUCH against my desires! I told her that my baby nephew did NOT want her to fall on him! But like I said- I won't name names because I don't want to call her out.)

Sweet Tia! I love this girl. aka- my 3rd child!

Hey look! There's Wyatt standing up on skates!

Good job buddy!!
And while we were packing up to leave, Pops and Memaw took the opportunity to take a spin on the dance floor!

Thank you to everyone who came to help us celebrate our big girl! We had a great time and appreciate the love you showed to Miss Brenna. She claimed at lunch that "this was the best party I've ever had! And I've even been to American Girl!" So I guess if it topped American girl, then it was a great party!!